MOMMY MILLIONAIRE - The Rules

 An Excerpt from MOMMY MILLIONAIRE

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Forget about all those impossible, silly and outdated prejudices against moms and their kids in the business world. I decided a long time ago that if I had to risk everything I had to start my own business, and couldn't take my kids, I wasn't going! From then on, there was no going back. That's when I came up with this list of Mommy Millionaire rules designed to keep me and all the other women entrepreneurs out there sane as we chase down our million dollar empires:

THE RULES

1. Don't apologize for having kids!

Children are special angels from heaven whom God sent you. What's wrong with this world when you have to apologize for having children beside you as you work? You're Superwoman. You can manage kids, find your husband's car keys, and close million dollar deals at the same time. Be proud of yourself!

2. When Conducting Business Over the Phone, It is Proper and Allowable to Out-Yell Your Kids, While I Out-Yell Mine!

Just like Murphy's law, Mommy's Law says that the minute you get on the phone while at home with young children, they will immediately retaliate by demanding your full attention with capricious and unnecessary demands screamed in the most whiny, abrasive voices they can muster. Ignore this! This is a tactic on their part to make you feel guilty. You sat in a La-Z-Boy watching endless reruns of Teletubbies for ten hours of nursing for three months--you deserve the right to a lousy phone call! Don't run and hide in the garage with the cordless, or make crazy gestures to silence them. Stand your ground and scream over them! I can’t believe how this simple ground rule transformed my life.

3. Don't freak out over what your kids do while you are on the phone yelling over them.

As long as your house is child-proofed, they probably aren't in any peril of dying while you ignore them for fifteen minutes. The worst that can happen is your two year old will empty your fireplace of all the ashes onto your off white rug, or you'll find them sitting behind your $5,000 "do not touch" sofa in your "do not enter" living room, on your “do not walk on with shoes" ecru carpet sharing a half gallon of melted chocolate ice cream. It’s happened to me! Sternly reprimand them while trying not to burst into laughter as you take pictures, reminding yourself that someday this will be really funny.

4. If you're going to be a Mommy Millionaire, you must accept the fact that you will have to burn down your house and build another one after ten years.

This is especially true if you are the parent of young boys. The first thing that is going to go in your unbelievably busy schedule is housework. Just try to keep your kids from bringing live wild animals, running hoses, and five screaming friends into the house to build tents with every sheet off every bed as they write secret Indian codes they make up in permanent marker on your walls. Don’t scoff—all this has happened to me at one time while I was on the phone doing business!

5. When your childcare unexpectedly falls through at the last minute, take your toddlers to your attorney's office for that important meeting without guilt and apology.

You're paying him $300 an hour. He should change their diapers, too, for that! Don't feel the need to be perfect mom; throw the Hot Wheels you brought on his floor and do not be distracted as your kids make loud car crashing and wheel squealing sounds. He's on your time, and you're boss mom!

6. Accept the fact that SEX SELLS.

God gave you enlarged mammary glands in exchange for popping out multiple children in quick succession. Having bigger breasts is definitely an upside to being a mom. Push them up high like Erin Brockavich did before you and prepare to do battle. You will have instant mastery over any man as you stand apart from all the drab dark-suits that surround him in the sexless business environment. You will immediately get a businessman’s attention, and they will grant you any request, including a trip to the Bahamas--which you could probably take if wasn't for those pesky kids of yours--while they stand helplessly mesmerized by your all-powerful feminine assets.

7. Children are in reality evil geniuses.

Even the smallest toddler understands the power of guilt and can use it effectively to render you instantly under their control and gain material possessions galore.They possess a prescient ability to know when you are under the most pressure to complete the largest assignment on the tightest deadline and will assert their dominance over you by bugging you with the most maddening and redundant requests until you will do anything for an hour of uninterrupted work time, including rushing out and buying them that new Nintendo Game Cube game that very minute.

8. Screw Guilt

Don't feel guilty for rushing out to buy your kid that new Nintendo Game Cube game if it gives you one day of guiltless uninterrupted work time. You only get to use this rule sparingly—once a year per child. After all, your first job is to raise good kids.

9. Know that in the business world, the conventional wisdom is that you are considered a non-entity as a mommy.

Use this rule right out of the classic Zen "Art Of War' to your advantage as you stalk your enemies under the detection of their radar until you surprise them with your brilliance. Understand that their underestimation of you is a critical power that drives you on to greater successes.

10. We’re all equal in the eyes of God and our kid’s teachers.

Just because you’re the President of your own company, doesn’t mean God or your child’s teacher is going cut you any slack when it comes to being a good person or a good parent. If you’re not doing these jobs well, it doesn’t matter what kind of money you're bringinghome. No amount of money can replace waking up to a bright and happy child who is excited to go to school, so stay focused on what’s important.

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